Today's #mentalhealthmonday post weighs heavy. It's no secret that I lost my younger brother, Ben, to suicide a few years ago. It's also no secret that I struggle with my own mental health. But that's why these posts are so important to me. 

The fact that we live in a patriarchal society contributes so much to this. From childhood it's very ingrained in boys to not feel, unless it's anger. Nothing else is "valid" or "masculine." All emotional output needs to be severe enough to set you off in a "righteous manly rage," and gods forbid you cry about anything past the age of 13. Our media is lambasted with macho muscular men who laugh in the face of the devil and are sexy because they sweat. I've never been a big dude, never subscribed to the American man nonsense, so I've always been critical of this theme in our society. Like, we're supposed to never fear death but we can't talk about it? We're supposed to experience all the ups and downs of life, but we're only allowed to talk about the good?

The first time I had suicidal ideations, I was standing on the railing of a second story balcony, wondering if the dive would end me. I was a child. I climbed down because I thought of my younger brothers (one of whom took his own life years later). I went from wrestling with suicide for a lifetime to being a "survivor" or "victim" of it. The pain that wracked and ruined our family has yet to settle, and I can only wonder if he'd felt more compassion towards himself, if he'd felt comfortable to talk, whether things might be different.

I've overcome these thoughts by defiantly talking about living with depression, anxiety, and #PTSD from childhood developmental trauma. I've never been afraid to say that I'm in therapy regularly, and I constantly crow about the benefits. I named my demons, and now I keep doing the work daily to combat them. Writing and hip hop help me vent, share, and therapize. But having an actual support system and a therapist have been the saving grace over the years. No one does this alone.

If you need help, reach out. Let's break the #stigma and talk about it.