13.2 million U.S. adults seriously considered suicide last year. If you’ve had those thoughts, please know you’re not alone -- call or text 988 for help. 

My absolute worst day with suicidal ideation was the day I slept off a hangover in Hennepin County Jail. The day before the start of my sobriety. All I could think about was how could I get away with killing myself when there were a bunch of other people around me who might intervene. For hours, I wrestled with my training from therapy and reminding myself of the immense waves of hurt that my younger brother’s suicide had left. I could never imagine inflicting that pain, having felt it firsthand. But the shame I felt in having “failed” myself and the family I chose was insurmountable and my depression ran with it. 

I’m truly grateful that I faced my addiction, which in turn helped me better deal with grief, and my depression. Sharing my experiences and “telling on” myself are cathartic tools that help tons. Sometimes saying the crazy out loud makes me realize what’s right. 

For instance, and for transparency’s sake, and for the hope of spreading hope, this last winter was the closest I’ve come to planning again. One of my most cherished relationships ended horribly and I saw myself lose one of my best friends. My mind was racked with horrible ideations, and every day was dark. However, the self-care routines I’ve built over the years, learning to let go of negativity regardless of the source, and the ability to set and hold boundaries, helped me pull out faster than in past years.

It’s not easy living with a brain that wants to kill you, but facing it and learning to make space for it and live with it, makes it easier. Talking about it (or rapping) really helps too.